Just me, you, and our crazy little world
by LittleBooLost
Summary: In their little bubble of happiness, no-one can hurt them. After all, when you've found the one you love, what they say doesn't really matter, does it? A series of fluffy, crack-filled drabbles with much OOC behaviour from everyone's favourite blonde benefactress and feisty ex-army officer turned teacher! WILL CONTINUE WRITING SOON,HAVE CLOSED ONLY TO EXPAND ON A DIFFERENT STORY.
1. Wake Up Call

Nikki woke with a start when she felt something soft and fluffy connect with the side of her head. She knew who it was, of course – and she knew that same person would have been up for at least an hour already. She grumbled sleepily, then cracked her eyes open to check the time. Quarter past six. Nikki whined pathetically, she hated mornings – there was never a chance to sleep till midday in her hectic life - and she yanked the duvet over her head, internally screaming. She heard a soft giggle from across the room, and light running footsteps. Nikki braced her curled body and squeezed her eyes shut, preparing for impact.

FLUMP.

Lorraine landed on the bed, almost on top of Nikki, and consequently burst into peals of laughter. She reached for Nikki's teddy – NO ONE except her was allowed to know he existed – and started to smack him with as much force as possible against the lump that was her girlfriend. When she heard her girlfriend's laughter, Nikki couldn't help the smile that crept onto her face – but in microseconds it turned to confusion. What was Lorraine thwacking against her leg? It wasn't upsetting her – not much did – but all the same, she wasn't used to it. Usually, Lorraine crawled up under the covers and curled up next to her, taking her hand and laying her head on Nikki's toned stomach. So Nikki decided to resurface – it _was _getting pretty stuffy in her duvet- cave after all.

Lorraine stuck her tongue out when Nikki sat up, and held the teddy to her chest protectively. Nikki leaned forwards to press her mouth to her girlfriend's cheek, but Lorraine rolled away, grinning mischievously. Nikki raised her eyebrow at her girlfriend's antics and smirked back at her.

"You're in a funny mood today, Missy…"

"Mouhahaha."

Lorraine stood up on the bed. Nikki found her eyes wandering – over Lorraine's Converse-clad feet, up her toned legs, which were clad in grey, fabric short shorts…over her flat stomach which was on display…and lingered for a moment on her breasts, which were covered by a white vest top that was knotted about 3 centimetres above her dimpled navel.

"Eyes up!"

Nikki's gaze snapped back up to her girlfriend's face. They locked eyes and for a moment the atmosphere was electric. Then Lorraine tore her gaze away, and started jumping.

Literally jumping.

On the bed.

With her shoes on.

Nikki sat up straighter against the headboard – being bounced about while slouching wasn't all that comfortable, even if it was amusing – and pushed her bed-head hair from her face. Lorraine continued to smirk at her and Nikki shook her head, feeling a laugh bubbling up in her stomach. She'd never seen this side of girlfriend in the 7 months they'd known each other – and it was a nice change to the stiff professionalism she saw nearly every day.

Suddenly Lorraine stopped jumping and her eyes widened. She gabbled something unintelligible in French – Nikki loved it when she did that, even though she didn't understand what the heck was being said – and then watched, confused, as Lorraine skipped happily out the room. Nikki rubbed her eyes sleepily, wondering if she could go back to sleep if Lorraine had calmed down – but seconds later she heard Lorraine laughing hysterically – _again._

Nikki stumbled out of bed, feeling practically hung over, and made her way to the guest room at the end of the hall. She pushed open the door and was met with a ridiculous sight – Lorraine was hanging upside down off the top bunk – Nikki couldn't even remember _why_ they had bunk beds – with a DVD remote in her hand. Nikki turned to look at the flatscreen TV and started laughing too. _Despicable Me _was on, fast forwarded at about a hundred times an hour. They watched together as the Minions, Gru, and the orphans became a whirlwind of randomness and colour – and Lorraine joined in, shouting "Bananeghhh!" repeatedly in a stupid, high pitched French accent. At the back of her mind, Nikki couldn't help wondering if, somehow, Lorraine had gotten high on helium…

By the time the credits came about Nikki was curled on the floor clutching her painful stomach as she shook with silent laughter, and Lorraine was biting on a pillow in an attempt to calm down. When Nikki finally found the strength to stand, she reached upwards and wrapped Lorraine in her taut, muscled arms, then lifted her to the floor. The women stood face-to-face, gazing into each other's eyes, tears of mirth rolling down their cheeks. Nikki pressed her lips to Lorraine's, and this time the smaller woman responded appropriately, reaching up to wrap her arms around her girlfriend's neck. As they kissed, Nikki frowned. Lorraine didn't taste of berries like usual…there was more of a hint of chocolate…and coffee…she pulled away.

It was Lorraine's turn to follow as her girlfriend stalked down the stairs, and Nikki's mouth dropped open when she reached the kitchen. The coffee machine stood proudly next to the empty box that contained the posh coffee's…the pot of instant coffee had been opened and was empty as well…and the food cupboards had been emptied completely and food was all over the counter.

Nikki then had the bad idea to look down. All fifteen of her secret pots of Nutella were lying on the floor…dead. Her magical stash of happiness…gone. And there wasn't even any coffee to make it all better. Nikki turned to stare at Lorraine, who was standing by the small kitchen couch, biting her lip and refusing to meet her eye.

"So that's why you've been hyper all morning…" Nikki jabbed Lorraine lightly in the ribs and her girlfriend giggled nervously.

"You drank all the coffee…even the horrible instant stuff….and then killed my little chocolate babies…" Nikki poked her again with each statement she made.

Lorraine looked up into her girlfriend's eyes, and laughed at her comments, trying to move away from her hands.

"Oh, you think it's funny? Do you? Hu? HU?!" Nikki attacked her girlfriend's ribs, grinning evilly as she squealed with helpless laughter and fell on the couch. Lorraine curled her body in defence, wriggling and squirming in a fail of an attempt to get away, but managing to grab one of the hideous green cushions as she did so, and smacking Nikki on the head and in the face. Nikki yanked it away as Lorraine grabbed another one, and then stood on the couch so she was taller than Nikki.

The women proceeded to tickle and hit each other with cushions, locked in their own little bubble of happiness. And then, as they collapsed together on the sofa, Nikki buried her nose in Lorraine's curls and couldn't deny the tidal waves of joy that was swamping her. As the minutes passed, they found themselves throwing immature; crude insults at each other, both knowing that they'd never loved anybody so much as each other.

_Finis._


	2. Movie Night - Part One

MOVIE NIGHT

"Niikiiiiiiiiii….you know you love meeeeee…"

I looked down at my girlfriend when I heard my name. She was lying with her head in my lap, blonde curls splayed everywhere and she had widened her eyes so much they were practically bugging out. Although I'm not a mind reader, I knew instantly that she wanted something, and that I would have to go to a great many lengths to get it for her.

"Yes, darling?"

"Uhmmmm….do you think….possibly….maybe we could rent a movie?"

"What?! Lorraine, there's Netflix in this room right now! On the subscription you've got it's practically free…honestly, for a woman investing in so many businesses you _can _be quite a little ditz!" I smiled affectionately as I spoke, and she pouted back at me.

"I _know_ that Nik….what kind of idiot do you take me for?! No, don't answer that, cheeky sod! I meant can we go down to the local Blockbusters…I really don't give a shit about logic right now." She smirked winningly at me, and I almost gave in.

"It's sort of illegal to drink and drive, Lorraine, love – you've drunk nearly a whole bottle of wine on your own, and you know my 4x4's being MOT'd as we speak – so there's physically no way to get into town unless we walk or get the bus."

There were a few seconds of silence and we stared into each other's eyes. For a moment I found myself wondering if, for the first time in her life, Miss Donnegan was lost for words. But then she grinned in a mischievous, almost evil, way.

"We'll get the bus then."

WRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWRWR WRWRWRW

20 minutes later after much bargaining, we left the house and headed for the bus stop. I'd spent almost half that time trying to convince Lorraine into letting me drive her Ferrari, but no avail. We must've looked like an odd pair, Lorraine in pink leggings and an over-sized bright orange sweatshirt, me in my trusty trench coat and boots. As we walked, she entwined her fingers with mine and lifted her gaze to the stars. I watched out the corner of my eye as her expression turned to pure rapture and almost squealed – she was being so god damn _adorable! _And then something happened that did make me – and Lorraine - squeal.

It was like my surroundings were in slow motion. At first it felt like I was in a dream - we were staring at the stars, just another happy couple on a moonlit walk. And then I heard the roar of an engine and felt my legs turn to jelly. I spun around; vaguely aware of Lorraine stumbling as I did so. There it was – the bus was chugging forwards and it would get to the bus stop before us if we didn't move our asses soon. I barely had time to pull Lorraine to her feet when the bus went past, and just our luck – we were standing right by a massive puddle. If I could have seen my face when the bus pootled through the puddle and sent a tsunami wave over us I most likely would be hysterical. But unfortunately, I didn't, and had to settle for screaming instead.

_End of part one._


	3. Movie Night - Part Two

**A/N: Thanks for all the lovely feedback I've been getting c: I'd love to get to know you all better, so if you have a Twitter feel free to follow me, LittleBooLost and I'll follow you back :D I'm going on holiday on Monday and won't be back 'til Friday so you won't get an update for a while – but I will get a few more chapters written, promise!**

I stand there for a second, drenched from head to toe, consumed by shock? Anger? Amusement? I'm not even aware of the fact that I accidently pushed Lorraine over when we were splashed, I just stay in my natural stance, feet slightly apart, arms limp by my sides and my face mimicking that of the man in _The Scream _painting. Thankfully though, my head doesn't resemble a squash potato thingy….

It's only when ridiculous thoughts stop swirling in my head do I realise Lorraine's on the floor, squealing loudly and writhing about like a seal. I don't even bother to tease her – now's not the time to ask if she took her sanity pill this morning. Instead, I grab her wrist, pull her up, and start to run. I can see the bus is beginning to slow down about 50 meters away and I don't plan on sitting outside all night.

Lorraine doesn't even moan when we start to sprint – I don't think she's capable of forming any coherent thoughts yet, let alone sentences. We manage to catch up with the bus, and I dig in my coat pocket to find my wallet. Once we've paid, Lorraine pulls me to a seat in the middle of the bus and waits for me to sit down before she does. I wonder briefly if she's being nice for once, letting me have the window seat because she dragged us out here, but that's too good to be true. Instead, she plonks herself down on my lap and smiles proudly at me –almost as though she's expecting a lollipop as a reward.

Unfortunately, I'm not a children's doctor, so I can't give her one. I know there's a massive packet of Sour Patch Kids in my pocket however, but she doesn't know that and I intend to keep it that way. They're my favourite, and anyway, I don't want to share anything more than my seat.

The rest of the journey goes by without event. Lorraine stays on my lap and draws lovehearts on the window with our initials inside. I tie my hair back in a short ponytail in an attempt to get it to dry quicker, and do the same to Lorraine's so it won't get knotty, and resist the urge to open the sweets. Instead, I busy myself with wringing out the sleeves of my coat, and then I see the time on my watch. 11:32. My eyes nearly bug out of my head, but before I can begin complaining, I realise the bus has stopped and Lorraine is wriggling out of my lap.

I stand up and follow her off the bus, trying to regain some feeling in my legs. It's not that Lorraine's heavy, she just has a bad habit of fidgeting and kicking her leg about when she's occupied with something, and I had to take the brunt of that. After thanking the bus driver, we start to make our way towards Blockbusters, this time with our heads down and showing no sign of affection whatsoever, in case somebody from school should see us. It was surprisingly busy for a late night, but that's to be expected in a tiny, poverty-ridden town.

When we reached Blockbusters, I pushed open the door and Lorraine walked under my arm with ease. It was only then that I noticed the height difference between us when she wasn't wearing her ridiculous heels. I slipped in after her and noticed that the shop was almost empty, save for a few couples who looked to be our age. The slush machines were almost empty and I wrinkled my nose in distate. How could _anybody_ enjoy crushed, tasteless ice as a drink? I glanced over my shoulder to see where Lorraine was, and I saw by her the horror movies. Ha ha, _no way _were we watching those. She was totally engrossed in three different films and seemed to be having a hard time deciding, so I took my chance.

Sneaking up behind her, I wrapped my arms around her petite waist and swung her up and over my shoulder. She screamed in surprise and delight, dropping the films and half-heartedly pummelling her fists against my back. A couple of people turned when they heard Lorraine yelling, and watched as I carried her to the suspense movies. There, I grabbed my favourite, Panic Room, and walked leisurely to the cashier. I handed her the film, Lorraine still hostage. A large packet of toffee popcorn flew over my shoulder and the cashier scanned both items, snapping her gum and blowing a bright green bubble. I reached into my pocket for my wallet and found Lorraine's hand there already, trying to sneak my phone away with my noticing. I slapped her hand a few times and she laughed, giving up pretty quickly for once. I noticed microseconds later that there was no way for me to open my wallet while I had one arm wrapped around Lorraine. Before I could consider my options, she noticed my dilemma and used it to her advantage, slipping back down to the floor and darting out of the way.

We left the rental shop and made our way back to the bus stop, catching the Number 7 just before it left. To my surprise the bus was full. There was only one seat left near the back and Lorraine gladly let me have it, before sitting on me again. She busied herself with playing with my coat sleeve, and managed to get my watch off my wrist without my noticing. It's silver and made of metal, and for some reason it was freezing cold. Lorraine came up with an extremely mature idea, hugged me– and dropped it down the back of my shirt. She shook with barely suppressed laughter at my pained expression for five minutes while I attempted to locate it and get it back on my wrist, and then I retaliated by jabbing her in the ribs repeatedly, and pulling on her damp ponytail.

When the bus pulled up at our stop, the people who'd been sitting near us seemed very welcome to our departure…

_End of part two._


	4. Movie Night - Part Three

**A/N: This is the third and final part of Movie Night! I won't update til next Saturday or Sunday, but I will write some more one-shots! I hope you enjoyed this /rather long/ drabble! **

The walk back to Lorraine's goes surprisingly quickly. My coat didn't dry out until we were on the return bus and up to then I'd been extremely uncomfortable. Lorraine's jumper was bone-dry in what seemed like minutes. I decide that I haven't gotten Lorraine back properly yet for dropping my watch down my back, and the fact that she dried long before me also seems like a good reason for punishment. So I chase her most of the way back.

Lorraine collapses on the sofa as soon as we get in, gasping dramatically. "I thought you were going to kill me!" "Haha, shut up and watch the film." I put the disc in the slot and press play, before collapsing equally dramatically onto Lorraine. She groans playfully and mutters some shit about wanting to watch Insidious, but snuggles down and turns her attention to the TV as she speaks.

*Lorraine POV*

I should listen to Nikki more often. She does have a pretty good taste when it comes to films. I spent the entire duration of the film without saying a word, and that's a first for me. I didn't even fidget or kick my leg about. I'm used to watching horror, because I love the little rushes of adrenaline getting a fright gives you – and that's why I reacted so enthusiastically when Nikki crept up on me earlier. She told me that she's seen Panic Room seven times since the release – and the first three times were in the cinema. I'd probably watch it again – and usually I only watch films once.

At first I thought it might be getting old for her because I saw her yawning a few times when the film began but, boy was I wrong! When the credits started rolling I reached up from where I was sitting to turn on the lamp, looked down at Nikki and was met with the most adorable sight ever. She had her legs curled under her, her head on my stomach, and her hair had flopped forward over her eyes. Oh, and she was fast asleep, smiling mischievously at whoever she was seeing in her dream. I resisted the urge to squeal 'Awwwww!' at the top of my lungs and instead slid out from underneath her, covering her with a throw and slipping a cushion under her head.

I moved 'round the house in a dreamlike state, turning on the kettle and going into the pool room to find my book. One of the loungers I came across Nikki's teddy, Mr Toggings, and remembered how yesterday morning she'd come in here to find me, clinging onto him as tightly as possible. I went back into the lounge to put him into her makeshift bed, and she snuggled her face into his fluffy stomach as she slept. I smiled, taking in her flawless beauty and how innocent she looked when she was sleeping. The poignant, sweet moment was somewhat ruined by the sound of an app on Nikki's phone blaring.

I stumbled in my haste to get to her coat in order to find the impromptu horn, and when I did I shook it about like a wild thing, hurrying to get it and turn it off lest it wake my sleepy angel. I succeeded, and then stooped to pick up her wallet which had fallen. Something bright caught my attention, and I spun round.

There it was, lying on the floor, winking up at me. I almost couldn't believe it. To know she had such a dirty little secret…to know she'd gone behind my back and used me like that…I snatched up the massive packet of Sour Patch Kids and stormed into the kitchen.

_End of Movie Night._


	5. Hash Brown Hearts

**A/N: Hey guys, here's your update! I wrote this with my little sister – I mean I wrote it, she came up with all the ridiculously fluffy stuff and me the angsty&fluffy part at the end :P Title is a little strange but we couldn't think of anything - so anyway, read enjoy and review or I won't update again;) I'm tired and rambling so I'll shut up now….**

I was nearly asleep when Nikki slipped into bed. She snuggled in close to me, trying not to wake me up, and ultimately failing. I opened my eyes to look at her and she kissed the tip of my nose, giggling cutely. She tucked a stray curl behind my ear and stroked my face gently until I fell asleep. As my eyes fluttered shut, I wondered if she would remember that tomorrow was Valentine's Day. I doubted she would. After all, she probably wouldn't remember Christmas without me. Only time would tell.

I woke up to hear the smoke alarm going off. I wondered momentarily if I should get up, but decided not to. Nikki had recently developed a passion for what she called "cooking", and what I called "homemade poison". I assumed the blaring that was reverberating through the house was the consequences of that. She can't seem to accept the fact that the smoke alarm going off when you're cooking is a bad thing – on the contrary, she'll shout back at it telling it to 'stop cheering me on, I can manage myself, you know!' I didn't wait to hear her sassy yelling and instead pulled the pillow over my head and once again fell asleep.

*Nikki POV*

I put everything onto the plate, smiling at the presentation. I'd nearly set the kitchen on fire earlier but thankfully Lorraine had slept through it – I looked in on her once I had managed to smash the bastard smoke alarm and she was asleep with the pillow on her face – silly girl, doesn't she know that can kill you? After placing a tulip in a mug (because I'm cool like that) I carried the tray to the table and ran silently into our bedroom, slipping over to the bed. Lorraine's bare foot was hanging off the bed and I barely resisted the urge to tickle her, only managing not to because the plan I already had in mind was much better – and funnier.

I grabbed hold of said foot and tugged it, hard. Lorraine sat up in shock and the pillow fell from her face. Before she could cry out, I pulled her off the bed by the ankle and dragged her out of the bedroom, down the hall, through the lounge and into the kitchen. Her arms flailed around as I pulled her on her back, and she introduced me to, erm, the more _colourful _aspect of her wide vocabulary.

*Lorraine POV*

It seemed there was no end to the rude awakenings Nikki was presenting to me. God, I adore her but there's only so much a woman can take early on a Saturday morning. It was for that reason that I chose to swear at her so many times from the floor – and also because my arse really hurt where she'd yanked me off the bed. She didn't seem to care, though. As we reached the threshold between the lounge and the kitchen, she bent down and lifted me into her arms, bridal style. It was perhaps the most humane – and undoubtedly adorable - thing she'd done all morning.

Nikki backed into the kitchen, me still in her arms and practically moonwalked over to the table. She deposited me in a chair and pushed a tray towards me, then sat down across the table, almost bouncing with excitement. I pulled the tray a little closer. On it was a plate of bacon, egg, sausage and two mugs – one with tea inside and the other as a vase for a tulip. I raised my eyebrows at Nikki in amusement and she joke scowled - "I'm cool like that! Don't judge me!" I started to eat and realised Nikki must have been practising her cooking - the sausages were only a little burnt and she'd managed to fry an egg for the first time without the yolk breaking.

Nikki stood up after a few minutes and went to turn the kettle on. I barely noticed, and nudged the bacon across the plate so I could cut it better. It was then I discovered the little hash brown that had been hiding under the bacon. It was cut into the shape of a loveheart and the letters 'L, N' had been painstakingly engraved into it. I reached over and grabbed my phone off the windowsill, swiftly taking a picture of the cute little heart, and then replaced it just as Nikki turned around.

This time Nikki pulled her chair round the table and sat next to me. She smiled warmly as she took a sip of her tea and I mimicked her movements exactly. We sat like that for a few more minutes, Nikki laying her head on my shoulder and sighing contentedly. After a while I put my fingertips under her chin and gently lifted her face so she was looking at me, and then I began to talk.

"Wait here, babe, I need to get something." I stood up and flitted into the lounge. My excitement was almost uncontainable; I'd been waiting for this moment for months! I dropped to my knees by the sofa and reached underneath it for the thing I'd kept a secret for so long. I pulled it out and hugged it to my chest, skipping back to the kitchen.

*Nikki POV*

Lorraine danced back into the kitchen, her arms wrapped round some sort of mystery object. She sat down beside me and put it right next to my cup of tea. I lifted it up and smiled when I realised what it was – a beautiful, big, red leather book that looked as though it must have cost a fortune. On the front was Lorraine's unique, swirly handwriting which said 'Our Story'. I went to open the book but Lorraine put her hand on my arm, suggesting we go into the lounge with it. I reluctantly stood up and followed Lorraine and we snuggled up together on the sofa. Lorraine had taken her plate with her and she tore the bacon in half, insistently pushing a piece into my mouth as I tucked my feet under me.

I chewed thoughtfully as I opened the book and looked at the first page. I grinned at what I saw – printed out screenshots of the first time we'd texted each other- which was also the time I asked Lorraine out for a drink. The next page was a few pictures of the both of us at the pub with the rest of the staff. Lorraine giggled next to me and tapped one of the pictures. I looked at it and saw Christine and Michael sitting together wearing red deely boppers, and then I noticed Lorraine, Tom, and I sitting behind them photobombing, with ridiculous, grotesque faces.

We continued to look through the book, which was completely filled with screen shots of our texts, emails, tweets, and letters. Lorraine had managed to find every single picture of both of us and she stuck them in too. There were the little Post-its that we like to leave for each other in the staffroom – usually stuck on the bottom of the cookie jar. It endeared me to think that she had kept every single one. She'd written little diary entry things as well – talking about silly little things that we've done – like the time I "accidently" used her paperwork to light the barbeque, and how she got her revenge; making me hot chocolate that was cold before bed and putting shaving cream on top instead of whipped cream.

By the time we reached the end of the book, several hours had passed and we'd laughed about every single snippet that was contained within it. I found myself yawning and I glanced upwards to look at the clock on the wall, which read 14:28. Lorraine laughed at my shocked expression – "You look like a fish out of water!" – and went into the kitchen to make drinks. I turned my attention back to the book and found myself absent-mindedly tracing the swirly writing on the front with my finger. It must've taken Lorraine months to find all the pictures and Post-it's, and hours to put it all together. To know that she had spent so much time for the sole purpose of making me smile made me feel important and special in a way that nobody had ever made me feel before. It was so alien and new to me that I felt tears ebbing at the corners of my eyes and I wiped them away harshly – furious at myself for showing a sign of weakness, however mundane.

I took a deep breath in an attempt to console myself and after padding across the room, sat down on the arm of the armchair by window, where the silvery icicles on the sycamore trees outside captured my attention and held it. In seconds I felt the angst slipping away and I leant my elbows on the windowsill and let my chin rest in my hands. Minutes later I was locked in a trance and I didn't hear Lorraine coming in with huge mugs of hot chocolate. She seemed to notice this and crept up behind me, digging her fingers into my sides and hissing "BOO!" in my ear. I reacted by screaming loudly and falling backwards into her lap. Lorraine burst into a fit of helpless giggles while I tried to teach myself how to breathe again. Once we'd managed to compose ourselves and I'd ensured I wasn't at risk of getting fright-induced asthma, Lorraine turned on the radio and we started drinking our hot chocolate. And for the rest of the day, that was where we stayed – just the both of us in a silent haven of happiness.

_Finis._


	6. One,Two,Three

**A/N: Just disgustrously fluffy cute stuff. Short but /incredibly/sweet if I do say so myself;)**

We walked hand in hand through the park. The evening sun bore down our necks and we took turns to sip from a massive bottle of water. I smoothed my hair back from my face and turned my gaze up to the sky, scrunching my nose up when the sun got into my eyes. Nikki laughed softly at my expression, and let go of my hand – slinging an arm over my shoulders and pulling me closer. I wrapped both my arms round her waist and squeezed it gently. She groaned softly and I let go, instead laying my hand on her slightly rounded stomach, moving it in slow, gentle circles to comfort both my babies.


	7. Lorraine's Little Project

**A/N: I cheated a little while writing this….I used a Story Generator and it became my inspiration for this chapter :p Sorry I haven't updated in a while…I will every weekend from now on at least! ENJOY!**

Lorraine's little project.

It was half seven on Sunday night and I was at Lorraine's creative writing workshop presentation thingy. She'd been going for three months and hadn't let me look at her work once – so I was extremely excited to hear it. So excited I could barely taste my Sour Patch Kids (which Lorraine still doesn't know about, hahaha!) I fidgeted through the opening speech and the first few stories, and then I snapped to attention when I heard Lorraine's name being called. I leaned forward eagerly on my knees as she began to read….

_It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Lorraine, woke up in a secret _vineyard_. It was the eighth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely frustrated, Lorraine slapped a potato, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). A few freaknasty minutes later, she realized that her beloved Michael Byrne's Virginity was missing! Immediately she called her favorite rape victim, Nikki. Lorraine had known Nikki for (plus or minus) 61 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Nikki was unique. She was intelligent though sometimes a little... clueless. Lorraine called her anyway, for the situation was urgent._

_Nikki picked up to a very stressed Lorraine. Nikki calmly assured her that most long-haired sea monkeys yawn before mating, yet long-haired sea monkeys usually surreptitiously belch *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Lorraine. Why was Nikki trying to distract Lorraine? Because she had snuck out from Lorraine's with Michael Byrne's Virginity only seven days prior. Little Michael Byrne's Virginity was sassy and striking... how could she resist?_

_It didn't take long before Lorraine got back to the subject at hand: her Michael Byrne's Virginity. Nikki sneezed. Reluctantly, Nikki invited her over, assuring her they'd find Michael Byrne's Virginity. Lorraine grabbed her giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Nikki realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide Michael Byrne's Virginity and she had to do it fearlessly. She figured that if Lorraine took the curb-jumping ghetto sled, she had at least nine minutes before Lorraine would get there. But if she took Christine Mulgrew's jumbo dildo? Then Nikki would be ridiculously screwed._

_Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Nikki was interrupted by two hundred abrasive llamas that were lured by Michael Byrne's Virginity. Nikki yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling displeased, she carefully reached for her live hand grenade and aptly punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent-the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the foxy forest, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the Christine Mulgrew's jumbo dildo rolling up. It was Lorraine._

_-o0o- _

_As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Aldi to pick up a 12-pack of potatoes, so she knew she was running late. With a apt leap, Lorraine was off the Christine Mulgrew's jumbo dildo and went wildly jaunting toward Nikki's front door. Meanwhile inside, Nikki was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed Michael Byrne's Virginity into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind her rhinoceros. Nikki was relieved but at least the Michael Byrne's Virginity was concealed. The doorbell rang._

_'Come in,' Nikki sassily purred. With a apt push, Lorraine opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some stupid rationality-deprived retard in a homemade car,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Nikki assured her. Lorraine took a seat hilariously close to where Nikki had hidden Michael Byrne's Virginity. Nikki shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Lorraine was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Nikki noticed a abrasive look on Lorraine's face. Lorraine slowly opened her mouth to speak._

_'...What's that smell?'_

_Nikki felt a stabbing pain in her arsehole when Lorraine asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Michael Byrne's Virginity right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Lorraine's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Lorraine nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Nikki could react, Lorraine thoughtfully lunged toward the box and opened it. Michael Byrne's Virginity was plainly in view._

_Lorraine stared at Nikki for what what must've been seven minutes. Before anyone could whip off their pants, Nikki groped exotically in Lorraine's direction, clearly desperate. Lorraine grabbed Michael Byrne's Virginity and bolted for the door. It was locked. Nikki let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Lorraine,' she rebuked. Nikki always had been a little abrasive, so Lorraine knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Nikki did something crazy, like... start chucking live hand grenades at her or something. Before anyone could take off their pants, she gripped her Michael Byrne's Virginity tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels._

_Nikki looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Lorraine. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Lorraine. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Nikki walked over to the window and looked down. Lorraine was gone._

_-o0o- _

_Just yonder, Lorraine was struggling to make her way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind Nikki's place. Lorraine had severely hurt her armpit during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral llamas suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Michael Byrne's Virginity. One by one they latched on to Lorraine. Already weakened from her injury, Lorraine yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of llamas running off with her Michael Byrne's Virginity._

_But then God came down with His smart smile and restored Lorraine's Michael Byrne's Virginity. Feeling concerned, God smote the llamas for their injustice. Then He got in His amphibious vehicle and sputtered away with the fortitude of 153 albino cats running from a bloated pack of South American hissing sloths. Lorraine shimmied with joy when she saw this. Her Michael Byrne's Virginity was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes her favorite TV show, The Hoobs, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When venomous koalas meet ebola'). Lorraine was overjoyed. And so, everyone except Nikki and a few rusty razor blade-toting legless puppies lived blissfully happy, forever after._

What the actual fuck is wrong with my girlfriend.


	8. Nikki and her Nutella Part One

Ah, Monday morning. The kettle was boiling away and I studied my reflection in it, raking my fingers through my curls. I felt Nikki brush past me as the toast popped out of the toaster. Before I could reach for it, she'd put both pieces on a plate and was skittering away. _Little bugger. I put that on. _I dug in the bread bag and found there was only an end slice left. Irritated, I slammed it into the toaster with way more force than was necessary. Precisely two seconds later the knob popped off the toaster and my bread flew across the kitchen, clearly joyous. I turned and ran after it in slow motion.

The dramatic moment ended in what was quite an anti-climax. My bread fell into the washing-up bowl and I watched, distressed and disturbed as it dissolved among the bubbles. I sighed and sank to the floor, mourning my uneaten breakfast. Then I heard a jar being unscrewed and Nikki mumbling away to herself.

I looked up, wondering perhaps if she was trying to comfort me. Nope. She was opening one of her infamous jars of Nutella, clearly not bothered by the events that had just taken place. "Nom. Nomnomnom." Nikki kept whispering deviously as she spread (far too much) Nutella on her toast. I stood up, watching jealously as her pearly teeth bit into her breakfast with a satisfying crunch. _That should have been me. But with strawberry jam. Not Nutella. I hate that stuff._

Nikki's eyes fluttered closed and she moaned, savouring the chocolaty taste. My mouth fell open in shock. She never made those noises in the bedroom! I backed into the cupboard, tripping slightly over empty pots of Nutella on the floor. I counted each of them in time with Nikki's chewing. _One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven._

My eyes blurred with tears and I had to stop counting. _Shit. That fucking Nutella is affecting even my basic maths. Fuckity fuck fuck. This ends now._ I turned and stormed out the kitchen, tripping over the stairs in my haste to start my revenge plan.

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*Nikki POV*

I swallowed the last bit of my toast and smiled happily. Damn. That had been a good breakfast. I can always count on my little Nutella babies to wake me up. Nothing's better than them. Until I got with Lorraine I used to sleep beside a massive Nutella shrine. It took up most of the space in my room and I had to sleep in a baby's cot but I didn't care. It might've collapsed under me a few times and it stank of piss - but at least my sunshine was watching over me.

I stretched as I stood up. I still can't get used to sleeping in an adult bed – I think it might be damaging my neck. Even in the army I had a special little cradle. It was camouflage painted and rocked side to side. Hehehe. That was fun times. I began to make my way upstairs, wondering where Lorraine had got to. She'd been in the kitchen when I got up, looking at the kettle and fussing with her hair. Jesus Christ, the woman is _so _vain. She's thirty-two, you'd have thought she'd let her face go bare once in a while by now…sometimes I think she could rival Dynasty Barry with her favourite mascara…

I continued to ponder as I went into the bathroom, putting my towel on my head absentmindedly. It really is quite strange how some women can be obsessed with make-up and being healthy and then there's me watching porn with my Nutella. _Shit, did I just say that out loud?! _In my confusion, the towel fell forward over my eyes and I ran smack into the bathroom wall. The towel went bye-bye down the toilet.

After showering and dumping some aloe vera on my forehead, I went into mine and Lorraine's room and threw on some random clothes. I found my marking and sat down before I realised I was wearing Lorraine's tartan pencil skirt and three bras round my waist. _Nooooooo Nikki. Go and get changed. That is not appropriate role model attire. You are not even drunk. Or high. _I ran back upstairs screaming in horror and paid more attention to the clothing in the closet. Once I had on a suitable shirt, blazer and trousers I began to feel depressed. I made my way to the secret trapdoor under the sink.

I used my phone as a torch and stumbled down the narrow stairs. There were cobwebs and it smelled like cabbage farts. I held my breath in an attempt to not die. I succeeded and reached the little wooden door, relived. I was just about to unlock it with the pink plastic key I keep round my neck at all times when I noticed the note that was nailed there.

**A/N: I am hyper. Please don't ask. I shall update tomorrow – my father wants me too sleep now as I am becoming unmanageable. Tara.**

**A/N2: OMFG RICHARD MYLAN WHO PLAYS SIMON LOWESLY TWEETED ME AS I WAS UPDATING AAAAAGH! OUR CONVERSTAION WENT AS FOLLOWS:**

**RM: *picture* Mutant jelly been grape! …I need to get out more…..**

**ME: One time I grew a mutated carrot with three legs. I named her Phillip and made her do the splits. She died then.**

**RM: Ha! Oh dear.**

**ME: ASDFGHJKL**


	9. Nikki and her Nutella Part Two

**A/N: So very sorry for not getting this up last night like I promised. My sister took my laptop for homework and made me forget what I was going to write. Little bitch. Kiddingggg!Love ya Nommers, you crazy, talented, lanky piece of work. I've dedicated this chapter to you for the hell of it. Also because I So yahh, enjoyyyyyyyyyy:D **You may want to read Variegation By TheDemonsAreInside first to get a better understanding of this****

*Nikki POV*

I yelped in surprise, dropping the key. It clattered on the floor and I shuddered, before reaching out and gently taking the note in my arms. "Well hello little one," I greeted it gently. "What are you doing down here? This is a secret place, you know. I do disturbing things with Nutella down here. Lorraine doesn't even know about it…and this is her house! Mwahahahaha!"

I felt the paper crinkle slightly in my palm and I felt awful. I guess I don't know how evil my laugh is… I didn't want the note to start crying on me so I got to the matters at hand, fishing my phone-torch out of my bra and unlocking it once again. I shone the bright light down on the note and it quivered in fear. "Sssh, ssh….I won't be long, sweetheart…." I unfolded it.

The message was short and concise and written in a script I knew very well by now. _They're gone, Nikki, and they're not coming back. You'd better not get any replacements, either. _I gasped in horror, and scrunched up the note, ignoring the squeals of protest. I bent down shakily and snatched up my sparkly little key, before fitting it carefully into the lock, twisting it, and watching the door swing open.

The corridor was immediately flooded with automatic light. Somewhere in the distance I vaguely heard the roar of Lorraine's Ferrari, but I was far too distracted to let it strike a chord. I pottered into the doorway and nearly fainted on the spot. My flat-screen TV had been smashed, the page 3 posters of Nutella jars posing provocatively were creased and lying on the floor, but worst of all….worst of all…the cupboard had been opened.

My tears were falling so fast I practically had to doggy-paddle to the cupboard (only stroke I can do unfortunately – Lorraine always shows off with the butterfly; _blahhh her!) _and scrabbled to get inside. Nothing was in there. I let out a wail of despair and began to paddle back to the door. Distressed as I was, I still needed to get to work. Michael wouldn't accept _mourning my Nutella _as suitable emergency leave, anyway. Besides, I had to patch things up with Lorraine. I just knew she was the one behind this.

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*Michael POV*

At precisely half ten in the morning Nikki burst into mine and Lorraine's office. Dripping wet and with a wounded expression, her clothes clung _very nicely _to her body. I tried not to let my eyes wander. Christine would never approve – at the first possible opportunity I knew I'd be over her lap getting spanked – and not in a sexual way either *sadface*

She stared straight at Lorraine with massive doe-eyes. "Michael, would you give Lorraine and I a minute? We have some _unfinished business _to sort out." I sat up to attention when I heard my name. "Mmhm? Yes..of course.." I pulled my jacket from the back of my chair and left, tottering quickly through the halls, heading for my safe haven. Headmasters have secrets too, you know…

*Lorraine POV*

I watched through my eyelashes as Michael left the room. Nikki subtlety locked the door behind him before stalking over to my desk, sitting down, and swinging her feet up onto the table. I bit my lip and resisted the urge to complain – she was going to get mud all over my paperwork if I wasn't careful. "So." She broke the tension in the room with a single word. "You know all about my little secret, then. And you just had to act on it without talking to me?" Her eyes bore deeply into mine and I knew she was hurting. I struggled to form words. "Uhhhh…" I faltered under her stony gaze.

"You of all people should know how I feel, Lorraine! Remember Arnold the Cactus? Your orgasmic garden? Yeah, that caused a barrier in our relationship but we got over it, didn't we? By talking? For fuck's sake, you're a year older than me Lorraine! Surely you're mature enough to see that? Yes or no?

I sighed. "You're right, Nikki. I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. I've known about your little room for ages now and it never bothered me before…but today something clicked and I lost it." I looked at her meaningfully and a look of realization dawned upon her face. "Ohhh..it was because I ate your breakfast, wasn't it?" She stared back at me unhappily and tears pooled in her obsidian eyes. I felt awful.

"No, Nik! Don't cry! Shit, I'm sorry…it shouldn't have turned out this way! Dammit.." I took both her hands in mine. "We'll go to Sainsbury's after work, ok, and we'll get you some more Nutella and posters, yeah?" She blinked up at me, and for a moment I thought she would pull away. But instead she grinned back at me. "Yeah…we could have breakfast together, as well? And…." She faltered and I squeezed her hands. "Yes, Nik? Come on, tell me…."

"Well…I just….thought maybe we could get you another Arnold? But we don't have to, if you think it could cause a relapse?"

I smiled warmly back at her and leaned forward to lick a bit of Nutella off the tip of her nose.

"That sounds great."


End file.
